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trusting self

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I saw a child in the coffee shop this morning… hair wild, striped tights, mismatched clothes she probably picked out herself. She wandered around looking adults directly in the eye. Curious and skeptical of our attempts to say hello, she finally decided not one of us was as interesting as the dog outside the window and pressed her hands and nose to the glass, ignoring us completely…

I found this little stranger intriguing.

Her gall. Her unabashed honesty. Her willingness

...to ignore cultural norms she will undoubtedly be schooled on some day.

I’m back in Seattle. The first place that ever felt like home (a paradox, since I grew up in the Midwest). I chose this place in my 20's because I didn't recognize anything and thought it would grow me. It did. And when my ex and I made the logical decision to move to NYC years later, some part of me got left behind. For over a decade, I tried unsuccessfully to secure a position that would afford us the ability to return.

I've since created reasons to visit the Pacific Northwest. And each time, I stay in an area that is less familiar to me - this time I chose Capitol Hill.

This was not a place I frequented, though I recall one date that took me to the Coastal Kitchen… A beautiful man with burnt caramel colored skin ordered seared tuna, which I thought was terribly exotic because the only tuna I’d ever had was out of a can. After our dinner, we went back to his apartment, and while I knew something true was between us, he didn’t fit any of the rules I was taught growing up, and I walked away... 

As I watched the little girl in this coffee shop doors down from Coastal Kitchen, something in me awoke, as if from a deep sleep. The thing I left behind was just... there... for me to see in the morning sunlight:

a faith in paradigm shifts and a joy in my paradoxes... 

As I circle back to this place, I see significant choices I made based on others' preferences and desires... moments where I allowed "rules" to govern a life path that was mine to choose. 

There is no regret, only gratitude in knowing today,

I am a woman that would make a different choice. 

always in motion,

fia

bozeman, montana 24 March, 2014

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