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trusting self

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I saw a child in the coffee shop this morning… hair wild, striped tights, mismatched clothes she probably picked out herself. She wandered around looking adults directly in the eye. Curious and skeptical of our attempts to say hello, she finally decided not one of us was as interesting as the dog outside the window and pressed her hands and nose to the glass, ignoring us completely…

I found this little stranger intriguing.

Her gall. Her unabashed honesty. Her willingness ignore cultural norms she will undoubtedly be schooled on some day.

I’m back in Seattle. The first place that ever felt like home (a paradox, since I grew up in the Midwest). I chose this place in my 20's because I didn't recognize anything and thought it would grow me. It did. And when my ex and I made the logical decision to move to NYC years later, some part of me got left behind. For over a decade, I tried unsuccessfully to secure a position that would afford us the ability to return.

I've since created reasons to visit the Pacific Northwest. And each time, I stay in an area that is less familiar to me - this time I chose Capitol Hill.

This was not a place I frequented, though I recall one date that took me to the Coastal Kitchen… A beautiful man with burnt caramel colored skin ordered seared tuna, which I thought was terribly exotic because the only tuna I’d ever had was out of a can. After our dinner, we went back to his apartment, and while I knew something true was between us, he didn’t fit any of the rules I was taught growing up, and I walked away... 

As I watched the little girl in this coffee shop doors down from Coastal Kitchen, something in me awoke, as if from a deep sleep. The thing I left behind was just... there... for me to see in the morning sunlight:

a faith in paradigm shifts and a joy in my paradoxes... 

As I circle back to this place, I see significant choices I made based on others' preferences and desires... moments where I allowed "rules" to govern a life path that was mine to choose. 

There is no regret, only gratitude in knowing today,

I am a woman that would make a different choice. 

always in motion,


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  • Absolutely love getting my daily in-box RDA of the two of you. This piece is beautiful (as are many…I just managed to scroll down far enough today to actually realize I could say so). Steady on, and blessings for all you do.

    Jera (nordic "j" so pronounced yarah) on
  • Ah – so very true. Reminds me of one of the lessons Vishen Lakhiani writes about in his book “Code of the Extraordinary Mind.” Be aware of those Brules – a bullshit rule society programs us to believe and to believe is real. Makes for a good test to ask myself if I am doing something because it is a brule or something I have consciously decided to do because it is right for me. Easier said than done for sure!

    barb on
  • This…the evolution and growth to find a sense of peace in knowing you would have made a different choice but the contentment of being in present in the now…thank you…

    Tracey Dees on
  • So beautifully described: the moments we look back on, without regret or shame, and recognize we are not today who we were then and the choices might/would/could have been something else if presented to the women we are this day… the beauty of shift and growth and change and, as you say, staying motion. Thank you for the nourishment offered in your reflection.

    Pam on
  • fia –
    .. and someday the little girl may grow up to have her hair done on Thursdays (so she could never do lunch then), wear the most perfect of colors, styles even, and never have her own puppy or eat tuna from a can. But she’ll remember Seattle when a nice lady noticed – and smiled – way back when.
    .. and it all happened in the same place, but with different eyes.
    .. stay in motion, keep writing. – bruce

    Bruce McIntyre on

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